The I-BEAM Nightclub is a friendly place. We ask you kindly leave your drama and bitchyness at home. If you absolutely must bring that bitchy attitude along, please check it at the door prior to entry. After 10 years we're heard it all, time and time and time again. We know your boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife (or really in any assorted combination) doesn't understand you anymore. Yes, Virginia, the I-BEAM is all knowing. We already know all about it, so we don't have to hear it again from you. I-BEAM seldom spreads vicious gossip either and asks that you do not (unless it is absolutely, positively, totally juicy AND verifiable). After all, good dish is good dish.
Like any bar the I-BEAM has its own cast of characters that can be found lurking about most nights. I-BEAM lets you find out for yourself which are really good or bad (in bed or in general). I-BEAM doesn't do character references except for those occasional times that a discreet small cash payment seems truly appropriate. I-BEAM no longer accepts such cash bribe payments in silver coin (even if neatly rolled), and further requests bribe funds to be folding US currency (even if you have pesos, kronas dracmas left over from your high school trip abroad). Gold, in any form, is always an appropriate gift, even in small lots and IOU's never seem appropriate.
COVER CHARGE: I-BEAM usually charges a weekend cover charge. In fact, I-BEAM nearly ALWAYS charges a cover charge. Let's be perfectly honest here, THE I-BEAM ALWAYS charges a cover charge on the weekends. Such is the way of the world. Mostly, we'd rather not charge a cover charge, but that damn electric company insists on being paid every month (in US currency, see above). We do keep the lights down low and quite dim so the electric bill is small and we thus can get by only charging a very small cover charge. We know you'd rather not pay the cover charge, but then we wouldn't have a bar, so that's the trade off. Have a bar, pay the cover. You can still stay home and not have to pay a cover charge. It's a small price to pay for all the fun you will have. Think of it this way, a movie costs $8.00 and the popcorn is $5.75. At the I-BEAM the popcorn is free and the cover only a small fraction of the price of a movie.
SMOKING is now done outdoors on the sidewalk in front of the bar. I-BEAM knows this looks funny to cars passing by and funnier yet to the people on the inside of the bar. Such is the way of the world. Smoking is done outdoors and eventually floats over to China in exchange for their dirty coal emissions that float over here. It's one of those things that has to be. I-BEAM has decided our lungs are better off with the smokers outside. We also like going home after the bar and not having to incinerate our clothes from horrible smell.
HORRIBLE SMELLS. Speaking of horrible smells we ask that drag queens NOT use clashing perfumes that are excessively cheap. We understand how important the scent is to the outfit, but really.... Some of the really cheap perfumes mix together and make toxic vapour clouds that can melt steel. Girls, if you thought you were bringing a tear to our eye with your outfit or fabulous hair, tisk...tisk....it's your perfume. If you buy your perfumes at a dollar store, this definately applies to YOU! Ribbon Clerks and department store groupies should also avoid using multiple spritzing testers at the Macy's cosmetics counter. Remember, O-N-E cheap perfume per night, regardless of how smart the outfit.
CHECKS: I-BEAM stopped taking checks. During the old days the I-BEAM had a very difficult time telling the good checks from the bad checks. For those of you that don't follow finance, a bad check is one that does NOT clear the bank and is rendered what they call....worthless. Such high finance may scare you, which is why we find the need to write this advisory. We understand finance better this time around, so we found ourselves no longer needing a "check policy" because we don't take them. We certainly enjoyed the scenic pictures on your checks, the puppies, the penquins, the trees and cats. There was a nice rainbow picture with a pot-o'-gold we saw quite often, well actually MUCH too often if you catch our drift. We also liked the little sayings too that some people had. We didn't the the NSF stamp the banks used on the bad ones, it was so......well......."harsh". If you can ask the bank to use a prettier NSF stamp, we might reconsider...
WEEKENDS ONLY: I-BEAM is now open Friday and Saturday nights only. From 9:00 to 2:00. That's enough of you and we're sure you feel the same way about us. If you can't get your drinking done during those hours, you may have to consider alternatives to the I-BEAM. Oh, you probably go to other places already...you two timer.
THANK YOU: I-BEAM sincerely thanks you for your support. We enjoy seeing you often. We enjoy it when you tell your friends about us and our website: www.theibeam.com